I’ve been always shy about my qualities. I have a lot of interest and I feel I am not really good at any of them.  But if I stop and think about it, then I know that that is not true and just the devil on my shoulder speaking. He is a talkative son of a …. Anyway, I will introduce him someday in another post. However, I am doing some of my interests fairly well and some of these better than others.  And I KNOW that but I don’t FEEL it. Does that make sense to you?

My close friends always say I am my worst enemy and they are right.
Still therapies and moving country havent changed that character flaw, but I gained insights a lot lately. As ‘they say, it’s the first step, right?

But maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, because the reason why I feel the blues right now is actually due to an improvement on this character flaw.
For the first time in my life, I dared to show my photgraphs to other people. I even entered exhibitions and competitions. Thats a huge step for me and I took another one just the other day. I stood my ground on how I want my photographs being presented. I never did that before either. I always give my opinion and in the end fold to not make a too huge fuss and keep all involved ‘friends’ with me.
This time I did not and I feel good and horrible about it at the same time. I feel good because I seem to have learned to say ‘No’ when it things leave my comfort zone too far. I feel bad, because in saying no, I alianate people in the process. I guess you can’t please everybody if you have an opinion and a mind to keep it.

When people give advice on how to improve ones life and feel more happy, people tell me to stand up for myself. Well until of course, the stand I take is not in line with their own opinion or is uncomfortable for them. Additional, because I haven’t said ‘No’ that often yet and I am rarely speaking in my mother tongue nowadays, I might also choose the wrong words and tone and make matters worse. But I am glad I am getting it over my lips at all. 

As a designer I allways have to produce what the customer wants. That resulted in a vast portfolio with products I am not really proud of. Yes, I did the best possible with the customers restrictions, but it is not the best I can do. In this world you only get to do your style when you have a name or money and than it is ok to say ‘No’.  

I always wonder. Is it really just money and fame that makes it OK to stick to your artistic opinions? When are you allowed to say ‘No’  and not be called arrogant? When do people accept you know yourself whats best for your art? I know I have still to learn a lot. You are never done learning. Not even in the things you are good at. But I always thought, my art is mine and I should be the one to decide what my vision was as I created it. And you in return get of course the right to like it and also to dislike it. I also welcome your constructive criticism. But I want to keep the right to say no and keep it as I like it in the end.

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