Hass sometimes reads me blog articles from his ex-wife’s blog. She writes beautifully.  It also makes me realize how similar break ups can be. Here we are. As far as I can see, two entirely different people, with different experiences, cultural background and a different sort of relationship, but she writes so many things that I experience very similar if not the same.
Or maybe she and I are more the same than I like to think, but I better not go there.  😉
In her posts as in my heart are the same tendrils of anger at times – not so much directed at our ex-partner but more at the situation a breakup creates, the depression, the loneliness and the disappointment about a life you might have lived. All bundled up with the deep desire to be essentially good and hope he – the one that meant everything to us – will find happiness after all.
I can’t talk for her, since we never compared notes but I have some days I might not have the stomach to see/experience his happiness and it would be just easier to hate him. The feeling of being replaced. Him doing the same things with the new love. Her using the stuff you bought together. But hate is not an option here. You poison yourself and destroying the possibility of something special because I still share memories and have deep feelings of friendship for him. He was not only my life partner and as I thought soul mate, but also my best friend and I miss him in the role of my best friend more than anything. And in those poisonous moments – the moments hate seems to come more easily –  I am deeply disappointed about myself for having wished to hate him in the first place.
Love seems easy. All other feelings are confusing.
I am in a good place. I like how my life shapes up now. But I still have phantom pain about a life that I might be missing out on and don’t understand these feelings. I wouldn’t want to change anything about my life right now at all, but maybe it is the friendship I lost that is giving me the grief.
I think S. might feel the same and even if I can’t do anything to get the friendship I want with Arnold – that’s mostly up to him – I will support Hass and her as much as I can to let them feel connected in that special way.

											

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